Someone shit on the floor
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
