Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
