I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
