Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
