My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
