im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
