ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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