Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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