in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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