happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
