Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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