and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
