i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You ruined the universe
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
