we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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