awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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