My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
