happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
