3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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