I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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