What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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