I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
