What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
