he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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