1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
