We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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