I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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