There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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