I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
