Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
