I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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