Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have aggressive nipples.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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