I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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