I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
