the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
