just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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