You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
