so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
