This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
