Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
