Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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