also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
