I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
