I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
