I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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