you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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