Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
