I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
