I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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