Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
