I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
