i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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