if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
