I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He kissed a someone with a penis
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
